Anonymous no longer likes women. As far as he was concerned they could all get bent.
‘Why does he dislike women?’ You may ask?
Well, it’s because he’s a mares man now.
After Celestia had essentially proclaimed her deep seated desire to bone him, he’s never been the same since.
The moments that followed after the throne room were magical.
They cuddled. Like, a fucking lot of cuddling. ‘Twas sweet and tender, then they ate dinner and drank wine and all that cool stuff.
Oh yeah, then they fucked. Right, can’t forget that part.
‘Twas also very sweet and tender, they even did lots of kissy stuff. But the kissy stuff was shortly followed by the bite-y stuff so maybe not so tender in the end.
Overall, Anon would probably loudly exclaim how ‘epic’ it was to bone the hottie of his dreams, but he can’t right now; for he is smothered in his princess girlfriend’s massive chest fluff.
“Hrng, floofer...” Anon mumbled.
Honestly. With how much bliss he was in, he was thinking about popping the question then and there, but he abstained.
Celestia hummed. “Oh dear, I didn’t end up screwing a few bolts loose this time did I?” She giggled.
The two of them lay in the afterglow of one of their steamy bedroom sessions, Anon in his boxers, and Celestia without her regalia. They’d been dating for about a week as of the current snuggle time, and for Anon, it was the best week of his life. He adjusted himself a little before yawning. “Ugh, you always leave me feeling loose, baby.”
“For your information dear, you are very tight.”
Anon nodded, which caused Celestia to giggle at the sensation. “What can I say? Me and da boys always keep it at a hundred.”
“Not the kind of ‘tight’ I meant.”
“Whata yah mean? I’m tight as fuck.” Anon yawned again. “Gang gang.” He whispered lethargically.
Celestia chuckled before leaning down to nuzzle the top of Anon’s head. “Yes dear. ‘Gang gang.’ Now who’s my tight little human?~” She cooed.
“...Why do I get the feelin’ that you’re not talkin’ about what I’m takin’ about?”
She just giggled.
Anon scoffed, shaking his head. Which just tickled Celestia some more. “Next your gonna tell me that the G-spot isn’t were the homies hang out.” He mumbled before twisting over so his back was against her tummy. “Hey, isn’t that uncomfy? Laying down on your back like that?”
She hummed, “Oh no, I’m quite flexible.”
“Isn’t that the truth.” Anon blinked as Celestia leaned over into his cone of vision, she was deciding to just stare at him with a smirk. “...Uh, hi?”
“Hello, dear.”
“...You uh, got a reason for acting weird, Big C?”
She huffed. “What? Can’t I look at the person I love?”
“Only psychopaths maintain eye contact without blinking for more than fifteen seconds.”
She rolled her eyes before leaning down to give him a smooch on the nose. “You’re silly.” She said as she pushed him slightly by adjusting positions to lay on her side, giving both of them some breathing room.
“Pffft. I’m not silly. I’m the frickin’ bomb. Your man’s a bonafide badass!”
His waifu smiled and draped a wing over him to continue snogging. “I don’t know about all that. But I will say, you definitely have a bomb ass.” She gave him a husky whisper, chuckling as he averted his eyes.
He coughed, his face only slightly pink.
“...The things you do to me, lady.”
She let out a harrumph. “I let you do things to me all the time, I think that would warrant some light peddling, wouldn’t you agree? Dearest?~”
“Stop that.”
“Hmm, stop what?~” She purred, the sound coming out thick and sultry.
“That. Stop speaking in your horny voice.”
“Well, what if I am horny?” She pouted.
“Hah! We’re alone right now and you could sex me at any moment! You only talk like this if you can’t boink me in that point in time, or you’re trying to tease me. Check mate, Princess!”
She rolled her eyes once more. “Pffft. You think i wouldn’t take you then and there in public if I could? *tsk tsk tsk* I only abstain to keep the innocence of my little ponies intact.”
Anon rolled his eyes this time, running his fingers through the feathers of her wing. “Can’t let them see the monkey dicking down their favourite princess, eh?”
She nodded. “Mhmm. Plus, I’d rather your maleness be kept a... ‘state secret.’ Let the noble mares froth at the mouth at the thought of never knowing.”
“Woah. I got nobles wanting my glizzy?”
“If ‘your glizzy’ means ‘your cock’ then yes. But most likely only because you have managed to enter a relationship with me. I heard rumours that they wish to see the rod that has... ‘tamed me’. I suppose they think I’m so shallow as to base a relationship on physical attraction alone.” She scoffed.
Anon shrugged. “Well... you kinda did screw me on the first date.”
Celestia smiled wide and gave a condescending raise of an eyebrow. “If I remember correctly, you were the one who came into my court and proclaimed your desire to buck me. Before you even asked me on a date, no less.”
“...Shut up.”
She sighed happily and gave him another smooch, this time on his lips. “*MWAH!* Well, all’s well that ends well. And I mean, how long had we been friends before you came that day?—don’t look at me like that, that is not what I meant—Ten months? A year? I believe we just settled for what was long overdue anyways, dearest.”
Anon sighed dreamily. “I love it when you call me that. Gives you big milf energy.”
She cocked her head at him. “You mean... ‘Dearest?’ Hmmm. I shall make a note to continue calling you that in the future. Now, what is this... ‘big milf energy’ you speak of?”
He shrugged. “Milf stands for ‘mom I’d like to fuck’.”
A light frown crossed her lips. “I’m not that old, am I?”
Anon shook his head. “Nah. I’m saying It means you’re a mommy. Guys love mommies, especially if they’re the above thirty kind. If anything, you’re the final milf boss to all of the milfs around the universe.” He sighed. “The boys back home would be soooo jealous.”
Celestia giggled. “The final Milf boss... Well, I suppose I have been called worse.”
“Yeah. But you’re my final milf boss, no one else’s.” Anon crossed his arms, a determined look in his eyes.
Celestia nodded, a serious look on her face. “No one else’s.”
Anon pointed at her, his finger booping her snout. “And don’t you forget it!”
Celestia’s eyes went cross as they focused on his finger, before her face took on a scandalous look; her soft smile turning into lecherous grin as her eyes drifted down to his. Anon raised a quizzical eyebrow towards her intense stare.
“...What?”
Maintaining eye contact, Celestia opened her maw slowly, making sure the imagery of his finger sliding on top of her tongue as her head moved forward, burned into his brain permanently; before clamping her lips down and giving his finger a few light suckles. Anon stiffened at both the warmth and wetness of her tongue, his eyes quickly locking onto her lips once they began to glisten with salvia as she began to purposely pull her head back slightly, allowing a small bit of drool to leave her mouth. Her eyes closing halfway as her grin softened to seductive smirk.
She let out a cute giggle.
Anon could feel a jolt of cold sweat form on his brow, an awkward smile arriving on his lips as a she continued to suck.
“...R-really? Didn’t we just finish bumping uglies?”
Celestia hummed in thought, though it was probably more of a moan from Anon’s point of view. Her eyes closed and she let go of his finger with a *pop* causing the poor human to shudder. She sighed breathily, leaning down to mumble in his ear. “Well what if I want to go again?”
“...it’s kinda late, don’t you have work tomorrow?”
She withdrew her wing and she shifted.
“Hmmm, tomorrows Sunday. I can afford to stay up a little late.”
Anon gulped as she lifted herself up and deposited her rump in his lap, giving it a little wiggle as she eyed him with that saucy look again.
”Come on Dearest~ Let mommy take care of you.~” She purred, lowering her face to nip at his ear.
Anon stuttered in his groan as the princess breathed against his nape.
“N-no fair, you’re utilizing my fetishes against me!” He squirmed, which only caused more friction between them.
“Hmpf. Says the one who plays with my wings while I’m trying to focus on court proceedings.” She gasped at his squirming. “Annie~“
“That was an accident!”
“Then make it up to me, sweetie.~”
Anon crossed his arms, harrumphing before titling his head away like a child. “Only if you buy me ice cream in the morning!”
“Of course dearest—“ She gives pause to kiss his chin. “—I’ll buy us both some ice cream. Mother knows I’ll need something a little extra to cool me down when out and about, can’t let my hoofs wander in public now can we? You little temptation.~”
“Hey! It’s not my fault I’m so sexy!”
Anon groaned as she gave him an abrupt hump.
She huffed. “Shhh, less talking, more sexy times.”
Anon sighed as if he was being told to do something he hated. Though it was obviously fake, he just liked getting a rise out of Celestia; lord knows he couldn’t flirt for shit when it came to trying to raise her hackles. It only turned her on more.
He grabbed her by her luscious bottom, giving it a squeeze. Her smile widened to show a toothy grin once Anon sighed once more, complete with another eye roll.
She giggled as Anon eyed her cutie marks with a lewd gaze.
“Fine, I guess I will. But only because if I don’t, you’ll be fondling me all day.”
“Finally!~” She pulled herself off of his lap and away from his fingers, which made Anon instantly aware of how much he hated when her tush wasn’t there. “Now we can start.“ She practically growled as she leaned down and grabbed the waistline of his boxers with her teeth, her hooves settling beside his hips.
He had to admit, the view of her leaning down and sticking her butt up in the air was a nice alternative to her sitting in his lap.
Her tail gave a cute little happy flick.
God, his horniness levels were through the roof.
“Thith ith so poggas!” She blurted out.
What.
The sound of glass shattering rang inside Anon’s head, his pupils dilating.
“...What. Did you just say.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.
Celestia froze at the seriousness of his voice. She blinked, looking up at his face, her teeth and lips still glomped down on his underwear.
His lips were set in a thin line and his face was deadpanned as his darkened eyes leered at her.
Celestia started to sweat as she let go of his boxers.
She didn’t move, In fear of somehow upsetting him. Her ears flattened against her head.
“U-uh... I said: ‘this is so poggers’? That thing you exclaim sometimes when you’re happy?” She chuckled nervously as he continued to stare at her—almost through her.
Anon lowered his head slightly.
“...Never say that again.” He muttered.
Celestia nodded her head feverishly. “...Okay Anon, dearest. I promise I will never say that again.”
“Good.”
A moment of silence, then Celestia’s ears stood back up.
The sound of cutlery clinking rang out in the dining room as Anon slammed a fist on top of the dinning table. “They are not lazy! They are simple! The elegance in a pancake comes from the fact that they are quick, easy, and delicious! They can be specialized to anyone’s needs! French toast on the other hand, requires more time and effort, and in the end comes with less customization! They’re a one trick pony!”
Luna couldn't believe this.
“But with greater effort comes greater results! crafting the perfect French toast requires skill and the outcome of the product always outshines pancakes by a mile! And they’re not a one trick pony, you have just never had good French toast before! But I wouldn’t expect understanding of high class delicacies to come from somepony who isn’t high class!”
Out of all the subjects Luna had expected her sister and Anon to eventually find themselves butting heads on, the superiority of either pancakes or French toast was not one of them.
“High class?! You dip bread in fucking eggs and cinnamon! A toddler could do that by accident!”
“That is not the only thing that goes into making good French toast and you know it, Anon!”
The morning had started so well for Luna. The two... ugh... lovebirds had come for breakfast much later than usual. Which meant she wouldn't have to be subjugated to her sister publicly snogging the green human, well, at least not for the entirety of breakfast.
A win for Luna, to be sure.
Anon had been the first one to show up after she had. His dark green plaid bathrobe doing barely anything to cover up his lazy attire, which only consisted of a pair of black boxers and a bright green t-shirt. Many times had Luna pointed out that Anon should dress more appropriately, and many times had Anon told her where to stick it, so she just decided to give up on the matter entirely.
He was tired—no, exhausted, if the lethargic gait was anything to go by. After sitting down he proceeded to whine about how sore he was, even after he had gotten his cup of coffee. His hair was a mess—because of course it was—and he was obviously a bit cranky.
Anon was never a morning creature. But then again, neither was Luna.
Her sister on the other hoof...
Celestia had practically skipped into the dinning room only a few minutes after. She was... overly chirpy, even for somepony who’s special talent entirely revolves around the sun.
After that, Celestia had nuzzled the human,—who finally cracked a smile—muttering something into his ear about being her little... ’Big dicked monkey.’ Which nearly caused Luna to eject her half digested hashbrowns all over the table.
And so, the morning routine of the past week continued into that day as well. With both Luna and Anon cranky due to having to wake up in the morning, and Celestia practically bouncing in her seat as she chirped at the two of them.
Despite all this, Luna thought everything was going relatively well.
And then the two of them had to decide on breakfast.
They usually ordered the same thing every morning, with little to no deviation. Anon would order eggs, toast, those dreadful strips of meat, and some orange juice to wash it all down. Her sister would grab herself something small, usually just a salad and some earl grey tea.
But Celestia seemed extra hungry that morning, and Anon had said something about wanting to ‘shake it up.’
Anon chose pancakes, Celestia chose French toast.
Now, if Luna was in Celestia or Anon’s shoes—thank Faust she wasn’t—she would’ve just picked whatever she enjoyed, then let the other pick what ever they wanted without issue.
But they didn’t.
It started small. A joking remark from Anon about how French toast was too much of a desert to really be considered a breakfast, which triggered a snide—but light hearted—comeback from Celestia about how pancakes were just an inferior French toast.
And then Anon gave a biting comment about how French toast was ‘The disabled, three times removed half cousin of pancakes,’ And how they ‘Sit in the shadow of its counterpart, stewing in rage while desperately hoping to achieve a modicum of what the pancake already has,’ and Celestia, did not like that one bit.
And now here they are. Tearing at each others throats in an attempt to self validate the superiority of one another’s breakfast.
Luna felt one of her eyes twitch.
“—well sorry that not everyone wants to bend over backwards just to waste a bunch of eggs, bread, and cinnamon, just to make an unfulfilling breakfast!” Anon roughly jammed his pointer finger down on the table in anger.
“Pancakes require eggs too!” Celestia threw her hooves up in exasperation.
Anon’s face rapidly reddened before he crossed his arms and stuttered “S-shut up! There are egg alternatives! I’m right, you’re wrong!” He sniffed.
“Are you a foal?” Celestia scoffed.
“Well maybe I am! Guess that makes you a pedophile.” He harrumphed.
“Anonymous.” She stressed. “The subject of our conversation is regarding breakfast!”
“No. The subject of the conversation is about how much better pancakes are compared to French toast!”
“I will buck your face so hard, human.” She hissed.
Anon growled. “Yeah? Well guess what pretty princess? Just for that, I’m not letting you buck my face tonight like you did yesterday.”
Celestia gasped. “You fiend! You would dare hold my favourite pastime over my horn like that?!”
Luna felt the grip on the fork she held tighten.
“Well. Admit defeat then, princess... Bow down to your new pancake overlords, and I might just change my mind!” Anon smirked as he pointed at Celestia.
She gagged before shaking her head. “I’d rather burn down an orphanage!”
Luna’s teeth began to grind against each other as her jaw clenched.
“Well you know what, Tia? You better get the matchbox and kerosine! Because I refuse to allow French toast in my presence.”
Then the table jolted upwards as Anon began to play ‘footsies’ with the princess of the sun.
Luna felt a headache hit her like a ton of bricks.
Celestia hissed at Anon as he hit her a little too hard. “Hey! That hurts! Well, Anonymous. Maybe I’ve decided to no longer allow pancakes to be a breakfast item in this castle!-“
Luna finally snapped.
She slammed a hoof on the table, startling both her sister and the human. “Enough!” She shuddered for a moment before shaking her head. “Why must you sully my ears with this... this...” She stood up from her seat. “Retardation!” She exclaimed.
Anon and his girlfriend glanced at each other bug eyed as Luna glared down at both of them.
“I have listened to you two morons bicker on and on about this ridiculous topic for far too long!”
“Luna-“
“Shut up!” She shut Anon down with a shout. “It’s breakfast! Why do you bucking care what the other eats?! You’re not the one eating the thing you dislike! I have never in my life seen such a Faust-damned waste of time! You”—she pointed at Celestia—“Have court in twenty minutes, yet you’ve not even touched your breakfast! In fact. It’s probably gone cold, you fool!”
She took a deep breath. Her face had gone red from her anger.
She continued with her rant once she caught her breath. “I swear on my dead decayed father that If I hear one more fucking word about who has the better taste in breakfast delights—I will strangle every ounce of life outta both of you! I will make sure the both of you get nightmares about your respective hated breakfast choice! And if I hear one more goddamn mother-fuckingpeep about how much the two of you like fucking each other—I WILL BURN THE ROYAL KITCHEN TO THE GROUND AND THEN NO ONE WILL EVER GET BREAKFAST EVER AGAIN!” Her voice squeaked as she ran out of breath.
...
Anon blinked, slowly leaning sideways to get closer to Celestia’s ear.
“Tia, is she starting to talk like me?” Anon whispers in light awe.
Celestia slowly nodded in equal awe, her ears pinned against her head. She gulped.
“I believe she is, Annie. I think this is what you’d call a ‘bruh moment’.”
Anon froze as a cold sweat formed on his back. He turned to Celestia. “Tia. Please, we talked about this.” He hissed through his teeth.
“Sorry! I just like the way your human phrases sound! They make me feel so... ~groovy~ and hip with the foals!” She loudly whispered back.
“I’m the only one who gets to say that shit, knock it off, it doesn’t work for you. Also you shouldn’t be trying to get with foals anyways, Tia, shiz be mad creepy.” He mumbled.
”Really? Another pedophile joke, Anon? And hey you can’t tell me what I can and can’t sa-!“
A growl sounded in the room, causing the two chuckletards to immediately freeze before snapping to a rigid posture in their seats, sweat forming on both of their brows as Luna practically snarled at them.
“I will rearranged the spine of the next pony who speaks. Am I understood.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.
The two giggleshits nodded rapidly, nervousness written on both their faces.
A moment of silence. And then Luna sighed.
“Good,” She proceeded to collapse back into her seat, rubbing at her temple in agitation. “Sweet mother, I need a drink.” She closed her eyes and groaned.
“My lady?”
All of a sudden, a butler appeared! How in the world did he managed to appear in the chamber without making a sound? Who knows!
Luna grunted, not opening her eyes. “What is it now?”
The butler placed something in front of her, the sound of forks or knifes clicking atop it. The stallion cleared his throat. “It is the desert you ask for, my lady.”
Luna opened her eyes and blinked. “Desert?” She mumbled in surprise. “Oh. right, I did ask for-“ She looked down at the plate in front of her and...
Waffles.
There were waffles.
Luna felt like a blood vessel would explode in her brain.
“Butler.” Luna stated softly, her eyes still locked onto the waffles, her face darkening.
The unicorn stallion, as if sensing the aura the moon princess was exuding, gulped. “Y-yes? My lady?” His voice cracked.
Luna slowly began to turn her head towards the direction of the butler.
Anon and Celestia watched silently, feeling no small amount of pity for the stallion. You see, Luna has an infamous hatred for waffles...
An infamously very violent hatred for waffles.
Luna met the stallions scared eyes with her own darkened ones. “Butler. Tell me,” She smiled.
“Uh oh.” Anon muttered.
“Indeed.” Celestia muttered back.
“Tell me,” Luna continued as her smile quivered. “Who told you that waffles were an appropriate food, let alone a dessert, for somepony such as I?”
Now the stallion was sweating, his nervousness beyond obvious. “W-well... uh. You asked for a surprise and,” He coughed awkwardly. “T-the head chef actually recommended it. Said it was h-her personal favourite? So uh...”
“S-surprise?” His smile was uncomfortable.
Luna let out a small manic chuckle, “Is that right?” She quickly stood from her seat, plate in hoof, and walked the short distance between her and the butler.
The stallion backed up a step as the dark alicorn towered over him. He gulped as she placed the plate on his back, his eyes switching between looking at the plate and looking at Luna.
“P-princess?”
She nodded to herself and the stallion’s ears flattened against his head once she started to lean down, her face nearly bumping his.
She placed a hoof on his shoulder, taking a deep breath, preparing herself to say something. She narrowed her eyes, her smile dropping.
“Burn it.”
“H-huh?”
She nodded. “Yes butler. Burn it. And after that,” She turned around and made her way back to her seat, stopping as she made it to her chair. Her head looked over her shoulder, “Tell the head chef that she is fired.”
She sat back down.
The butler nodded shakily. “Yes ma’am, I w-will do that right now!” He almost bolted out of the room.
Luna placed both her hooves together and took a few deep breaths, her eyes closing as her horn glowed.
“Lulu?”
A nondescript bottle and shot glass appeared infront of Luna, she opened her eyes and began to open the bottle.
“Yes sister?”
“I-isnt that a bit harsh?”
Luna began to pour an amber liquid into the shot glass, “I made it absolutely clear that anyone who desides to send me those... act against Faust you’d call waffles, that they would be instantly removed from the castle. It’s even written as a rule on the cork board by the entrance.”
She placed the bottle down as she finished pouring, not even bothering to place the cap back on.
“But-“ Celestia was cut of by Anon, who elbowed her lightly to get her attention.
“Hey!” He chuckled nervously. “Waffles amiright?” He hissed at her through his teeth.
Tia’s eyes widened, this was their chance to get on Luna’s good side. She nodded quickly, her eyes wide. “E-er, yes! Who would ever even think about eating those... abominations? Why it even makes me sick to think about!” She mock gagged.
Luna picked up her shot glass.
Anon nodded as well and shouted. “Yeah! Fuck waffles!”
Luna looked at both of them.
“Damn right.” She raised the glass in mock toast, her face stone cold. “Fuck waffles. Something we can all agree on.”
She knocked back the shot glass.
“Fuck waffles!” The duo parroted back.
Luna finished with the glass and placed it back down. She looked back to her sister and Anon and smacked her lips.
She felt a long overdue rant coming on.
“Y’know what really grinds my moon dunes?”
She proceeded to spend the next two hours angrily shit talking waffles and everyone who eats them, progressively getting more drunk as she drained the bottle more with each shot. Day court had to be canceled, as Celestia and Anon were too scared to leave her presence in fear of Divine retribution.
Anon and his sweetheart decided then and there, that maybe pancakes and French toast weren’t that bad after all.
